I've booked my tickets. I fly out on the 5th of July. My life seems to be in yearly cycles right now. July two years ago, I moved to a different city all on my own (with my dog) and made a life for myself, the next July I was in Wisconsin, helping Mom and Dad and now, this July I'll be in Europe. Strange. Hopefully, next July, I'll be starting a new job there.

I'm starting to worry to distraction. My mind wanders and when I come to, I find I've been staring off into space for several minutes. Everything seems to be falling into place, but I'm still worried about things. I have to find rings and a dress. The ring part will be easy, but I tried on some dresses yesterday and I'm disgusted at how my body looks. I'm exercising like a feind. Took a huge walk yesterday morning. In the afternoon I got on the exercycle and then last night grabbed some weights when I was watching TV. I think it's working. I feel stronger and that's a huge thing for me. With the Graves running rampant, I had felt so weak. As much as I hate it, I wish my mentstral cycle would start again. It's sort of a barometer for my wellness. Nice and regular, no cramps and I know I'm looking after myself and not stressed. Of course I'll have to go on the pill again.... ;o) cause I'll be having SEX!!

I've been getting on the scale after every little work out session, or after I eat something. I think that monster I fought in high school is starting to rear it's ugly head. I just need to calm down. The weight will fall off, it always does. Calm and easy does it. The more I'm stressed the more I'll eat, like a vicious cycle. We'll get there, no worries.

The dog had an accident on Thursday. We were both really shaken up. I had him tied to the clothes line on the decking out the back door because he was being painful and crying at me. I was in the middle of something and too lazy to take him down stairs to his little house. All of a sudden I heard this awful sound. It wasn't a yelp, it was more like a dog screaming. I ran to see that he'd jumped off the deck and was hanging there, against the retaining wall, struggling. There was a little black lab in the drive way and he must have been trying to get to it. I screamed and screamed. At first, I tried to haul him up, but he was too heavy and struggling. Thinking back that was such a stupid thing to do. So, then I ran in the house, screaming. It was like a nighmare. I fell down when I got in the house and felt like I couldnt' move for a second. I got up, crying, grabbed a knife and ran back outside and started cutting the rope. I just kept screaming. The look on his face, hanging there, kicking at the wall, I'll never forget it. The rope was cut and he fell free. I ran down stairs and a neighbour met me as we both grabbed for the dog. Baxter looked ok, except for his paws. He had scratched his claws down to nothing and hit blood vessles and they were bleeding. I was a mess. Crying and holding Baxter. The neighbour kept asking if I was alright. He stayed with me until I calmed down a bit. I took Baxter up stairs and cleaned his feet and hugged him. It was a horrible close call and I'll never forget the look on his face or the feeling of sheer terror. I guess I really love the smelly little begger.
posted by KiwiChick at 2:33 PM

I just had to write and say that someone phoned and normally, my heart would relocate into my throat and my stomach will fill with butterflies, but this time, nothing. In my post from 4/3/02 I wrote that I'd write later and explain how I felt about what happened that Tuesday after Easter... Well, I feel just fine and in no small measure relieved that my life is simplified. I thought I was so in love with him..... he doesn't even measure against the real love in my life. It was like a parlor trick, a magician with his routine, and now I feel like I've learned the secret to his tricks and I'm just not interested anymore. We both needed the distraction at the time, I guess. I know it made me feel pretty special at the time, but it wasn't real.
posted by KiwiChick at 8:23 PM

Annette wrote: I love your blog! Got the link from Sub. Limbo. Very insightful. I'm going to keep reading. Annette

THANKS ANNETTE! Here's a shout out to Annette!! Being insightful is just one benefit of leading a self-absorbed life.

And another one…….. “Hey, got your blogspot from the Suburban Limbo... ‘My life is changing. Change seems to come quickly to me. At times I envy people who can stay in the same town they grew up in, stay in the same job they had for 20 years, stay with the same boyfriend they had since high school.’ Couldn't agree with you less! Later! Still reading,” Dianna

Thanks Dianna! I wonder what sort of life you lead and how old you are………

There’s an ancient Chinese curse and loosely translated it is: “May you live in interesting times” What they mean, I’ve learned, is that interesting implies turbulent. Boring can be bliss. Then again, so can ignorance. I wonder if it’s somehow related. Probably.

One of my favourite lines from a movie was from a Holly Hunter – William Hurt film called “Broadcast News”. Another character, being snarky and trying to make a point, asks Holly’s character something to the effect that it must be great for her knowing that she’s the smartest person in the room and she replies, with a stern, sad look on her face, “No, it’s horrible.” Sound conceited? Perhaps. I have my moments of real self-esteem, but mostly I feel average. I think everyone has times when he or she feels like the world has gone mad and they’re the only one with any sense.

I took one of those on-line IQ tests once. Great marketing project. Over inflate the score so the punters will buy the certificate with pride. That’s what I think they do, anyway. I decided that I really don’t want to know how I’m meant to compare with the ‘general population’. I had a guy tell me that he was given some advice once. “Tell a beautiful woman she’s smart and tell a smart woman she’s beautiful?” So I asked him what I was and he got all flustered and couldn’t answer. He didn’t think that one through very well, did he? Funny. I still laugh at that one.
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I read other people’s blogs. My favourite, of course, is Suburban Limbo out of Florida. He wrote about one blogger with a spot called Altered Context. Wholly hell, does that guy ever remind me of a guy I was really good friends with. He’s an actor now, not quite professional, yet. As he puts it, he ‘shleps’ office furniture for a living. But he’s an actor, not a labourer. It’s just something he does not to pay the bills. I hope he catches a break. In March he did Hamlet at a local community theatre near Milwaukee. He opened the weekend I was due to fly back to NZ so I missed it. The reviews were mixed, but all agreed he was brilliant. Everything in Randall’s life was a drama. If he didn’t have one, he created one. He’s still like that. We don’t always have time for each other now, but I’ll always wish him well.

So, Dave from Altered Context, if you ever read this, mate, you’ve got a friend in NZ and I wish you well, too. I remember 17 and I wouldn’t go back there for quids. Growing up in the States is hard. I wouldn’t move back there for quids either. Life gets better in so many ways as you get older. If you love Sam, that love will always be there. And somewhere down the road, years from now, when you haven’t heard from each other for over a decade, one of you will get a phone-call and it will be the other one saying, ‘Hi, I’ve thinking about you lately and decided to look you up. Howz it going?’ and you’ll talk for hours and catch up and realise that the things that bugged you about each other then, still bug you.

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